Here it is. The match report for the Face Off. Whatever Louise has told you is a lie. This document is copyright and if any person or accountant wishes to edit it in any way, then just as soon as I’ve spent 4 years at law school I will consider looking into it. Book or film offers welcome. Or the M3 website.
Saturday saw a clash of the Titans on the floor of the David Lloyds Spin Class studio. Friction has been building all winter between the so called “Spin Dr” Dave S and young pretender Louise “Cappuccino” Crawford and it was inevitable things would turn ugly. Her claims that Stewart was “All mouth and no Lycra” had not gone un-noticed, though worryingly there did seem to be a level of agreement with this assertion throughout the club.
Things began badly as there was a bit of an incident in the car park when Crafword “accidentally” parked in what everybody knows is Stewart’s favoured spot, and embarrassingly it all got a bit physical when was a bit of an unseemly scuffle broke out at the turnstile as the pair got wedged together trying to get into the building, as it seemed important to be first to the bikes – for reasons that later became apparent. Mike Donald saw it all and lets just say it’s handy he’s a top notch traumatologist used to the rough and tumble of A+E or things could have been a lot worse.
What should have been a stroll through the members bar to the bikes became a bit of an Olympic walking event/sprint, but Stewart rose above such petty behaviour and is very sorry about the incident with the swing doors, but to be honest, people should just look where they are going. The two protagonists both had a bit of moment on entering the gym as it turned out they might have been about to have quite a lonely hour as other than Mike and a couple of tumbleweed the Spin Studio was looking a little quiet. Undeterred Stewart helpfully set up the bikes and the tunes while Crawford slipped outside for a couple of Benson and Hedges or something. For some reason the bike setup wasn’t quite to the Cappuccino Kid’s liking and she insisted on raising the saddle up from its lowest setting, and being able to reach the handlebars. Whatever.
By now something of an M3 crowd was beginning to gather and the atmosphere was heavy with anticipation. The warm up was getting underway when Crawford suddenly “remembered” that no body had collected any money – thinking she was worried about how to pay for her coffee the ever obliging Stewart hurried off to find the official M3 Tescos bag in the gents changing room. As he gracefully sprang like a wildebeast back onto the bike the class were off – but wait! What could it be? – Mysteriously whilst he was away Stewart’s bike had unscrewed its own handlebars and thrown away the bolt – strange! Unfazed and in complete control Stewart battled on only to find his saddle had reset itself fully back to the most uncomfortable position imaginable -but disregarding this manfully he slipped on the headset and seemed ready to boss the class, but more problems stopped him in his tracks – no sound – apparently, the transmitter suddenly had no battery – how odd. Close to tears Stewart looked like a broken man, and Crawford pounced. Having in the writers opinion cunning hacked Stewart’s iPod she had hijacked the best tunes and kicked off with “Country Girl” trumping Stewart’s Primal Scream selection of “Rocks”. Whatever he tried Stewart seemingly had no answers to the sonic onslaught Crawford unleashed. Displaying a casual disregard for the sensitivities of the listeners’ ears she followed up with Sparks’ ” I can’t believe you’d fall for all the CR*P in this song”. Happily the group didn’t get thrown out of the gym for bad language but unhappily it turned out Stewart’s selection of Muse’s “Uprising” had “borrowed” its riff from the Sparks track and will be subject to subsequent litigation. Possibly.
Continuing with her “unsuitable for the younger listener” selection Crawford launched into “Pencil full of lead”, needless to say her claims that as an accountant she does have a genuine love of pencils convinced no-one. Coming back off the ropes Stewart launched 6 minute AC/DC salvo with “Thunderstruck”, which had Sean at least rocking in the aisle. Thank God nobody else saw his air guitar solo during the middle 8. Crawford responded with Lou Begga’s entire greatest hits collection, namely “Mambo #5”, which Stewart followed in a non-ironic fashion with “Mercy”, only for the merciless Crawford land a killer blow with “Good Feeling” which Stewart, spitting blood and now barely moving his feet could only muster “Feeling Good” by way of a reply. Sexy And I Know It? Well SOMEONE thinks so, and we got 7 minutes to reflect on this, though for some reason Stewart seemed to know all the words and more worryingly seemed keen to demonstrate some of the moves. Stewart followed up this monster with the Saturdays’ “Higher”. In a post match interview he later expressed his appreciation of this band’s supreme musical abilities and vocal talent, and indicated if any of the girls would like to get in touch for some personal training he would see what he could do.
The end was nigh for both combatants with one track each to go, and “The Cap” as she was now calling herself went for “Brimful of Asha” which in the writer’s opinion is probably some sort of caffeinated beverage. Tragically Stewart was by now a babbling wreck of a man. His bike was sitting in pool of sweat and every electrical cable in the gym seemed to be trailed through it. How could this have happened? Nevertheless, he bravely pulled himself together for one last push and sprinted for the line with Pendulum’s “Witchcraft” which went well up to the point that everyone went flying past him. And that was it.
So in the end it came down to a decision on points, there was no knockout, nobody got counted out, the fight wasn’t stopped in the 3rd round, but damn, that coffee tasted of Victory!